War between Heart and Mind

I have this war between my heart and mind for almost 2 years now. This war has been between creativity and routine well defined algrithm, between what u luv to do and what u r required to do, between risk taking and knowing atleast the minimum benefits, between not taking things for granted and taking it granted, between new challenges everyhour(by everyhour I mean evryhour) and may be new challenges every week or fortnight, between doing every thing of my own and doing things according to other's wishes, between enjoing and trying to enjoy..................

I dont know how this idea evolved in my heart !(mind this), but for past more than a year an ambition of opening my own Ad Agency has been there in my heart. This may be because of something that really interested me in my school days or may be because of the exposure that I got during my IIT life or may be both, but what I am sure of is that this is the thing which i will enjoy doing in my life best. Creating new ideas, new imaginations with really no boundaries, connecting thoughts, linking aspects, evolving background, team work (this is the place where i have seen this working to maximum), using everything that- u have been with-u have passed along-u have experienced-u are trying, learning and reusing and expressing the real thinking, these all are like inviting my heart to chase them. But then this mind comes....

This mind raise a lot of questions....am I realistic? am I practical? Who is going to trust my abilities? Who is going to give me work? Where do i get the money? and most importantly how i am going to start? .....then an important thing that mind always bring is that my all experiences have been with a team who all enjoyed doing all these at that stage of their life....will I be able to carry the same enthusiasm and passion alone. And when I asked people with whom i worked a lot, it helped my mind create a lot many doubts and concerns. Sometimes it gives a feeling as economic security many a times, in fact I would say most of the time, help one chase his passion without any fear and concerns. I saw most of the people, atleast from the part of country to which i belong, just going along with the regular and tested trends without any thoughts and regrets and few not strong enough to chase their dreams if they had any. Exceptions are there (I heard about a guy who comes from a small place and loved cooking from childhood days and presently working as head chef in Taj group) and that do inspire me.

For this moment I may not mind to delay this war for sometime and most probably in near future one of either my heart or my mind will then still stick to its beliefs and thoughts and whichever dilutes its present thought will help me decide in favour of the other.

Learning...a bit different

I have been in this introspection phase for last how many days i dont know myself. And worst part is how long this is going to be thats also not crystel clear to me. As like almost every IITian I want to see me doing Indian MBA throught CAT. Then sometimes this big ambition or "chahat" for doing it from some international college which i may not be knowing now also looms over. This last 8 months of chill, relaxed, bakaiti, a life full of haha hihi is now like an overodose of all these things. And apart from this, on suggestion of few of my close friends, CFA has also started occupying a part of my introspection phase.

I dont know whether I am delaying my decision because of exploring all alternatives before finally arriving at something which inspires me or my present life is making me delay it forever. Though this short life here made me learn many more things not only technically or academically but on personal front as well. I remember one of my friends here talking about a number of non-IITians big stature people pushing around other people here and questioning as whether we are at the rite place. But what i found in contrast was though only very few IITians are occupying managerial and leader seats over here, most been taken care by others, it gives a feeling as these non-IITian people have been really the people who are actually taking the company forward. These are the people who have the real urge to learn and implement. Its like here i found MCA(Master in computer applications) leads explaining OS concepts to an IITian very common. These IITian always remain under the feeling as they remain under achieved or need to do something out from here. I think here comes the definition of satisfaction and What I need to do in Life becomes really important. And its not that these people(non-IITians) have been doing the routine job only, some of them are really so talented in many other fields with some being big time choreographers, some part of music bands in their prime days and still so down to earth. This i felt as stong contrast to IITians who always love having people around them to whom they enjoy telling the stories of what different kinda things they have been doing in their college life.

I dont know why i thought of writing a blog on this but I got to learn from these people so much that it made me think a bit differently towards life and made me write my perception of this situation of so many people, atleast around here.

Its a short and beautiful journey within this long one

The only time i really feel that it was worth buying ipod/ishuffle is (which other my colleagues got as gift from the company few days back) in the morning when i come office walking. Mind u it was one of the 1st things that i bought from the money that I started earning about 8 months back. Its during that 10-12 min walk that songs that plays on my ipod gives me an immense pleasure and sometimes the actual meanings of the songs and music make me think, inspire or sometimes even raise enthu to such a level that had it not been the big crowd that keep coming in between my walk it would have made me dance on the footpath itself. I don't know where its my ambition (yeah i am calling its an ambition) of making the new morning a good morning or just like that, but it surely makes a gud start for the day. Its that 10 min journey that i wish to be a bit longer everytime so that the last song that i am listening is completed before i enter my cubicle or may be because of alltogether different reason. Sometimes songs like "sandeshe aate hain..." from Border makes it a "single song journey". And its really listening song from Iqbal, "Aashayien.." in morning thrice (kept on pressing the back button) today during this my short journey that made me decide that today i am going to start writing blogs ..though i am not a gud writer..but just giving it a try.

"Kuch aisa kar ke deekha ....khud khush ho jaaye khuda....aashayien"

Its the same song which also made me think what am i doing for these days. It has been like, these endless days will keep on passing and I will keep myself in introspection phase without any conclusion. I am not even able to give answers to myself. There was a single ray of hope which also got expired today and that also not on the good side. (May be this also inspired me to write my first blog). So it is turning out to be a long journey without any mission, without any creativity which i had given due respect all thru my life, without any manzil, without any conclusions. without any answers, without even any questions, without any sweat, without any breaks, without any consciousness of what i have been doing, without any effort, without any results, without any achievement, without people i would have loved to be with but yeah with few good people, with few good pals and with few successes(mind it..its not achievement) here and there. Nothing has been the driving force that is what makes it all bad journey.

Its that short journey in morning within this long journey that sometimes gives new "Aashayien..". And that may be the reason that makes me hope it to be a bit long every time i enter my cubicle in morning.